If a stranger walks up to you and asks, "where do you live? what do you do?",
you will probably give him a dirty look and punch him in the face. If a guy
at the foot of the Xiangshan Mountains asks you to take him to the top when he
sees you buying an entrance ticket, you will think he is crazy. If someone you
don't know calls you on the street and then blames you for not responding, you
will be left angry yet speechless.
Does any of these sound familiar? If not, check the following scenarios:
When you post a pic of your home-cook meal, there is always someone in your
friend circle who requests that you cook him a delicious meal someday. "Perhaps
you can cook for me someday when I am at your house", they would say. This looks
like a compliment, feels like friendship, but somehow always irritates me.
The first question that pops into my head is always, "who the hell do you think
you are?" If the words come out of a stranger's mouth, I may seriously consider
giving him a good smack. This is not a stranger. It is someone from my friend
circle; however, he is usually not a very close friend, otherwise he would be at
my house all the time. We are probably acquaintances on a WeChat basis. To be
honest, he might as well be a stranger in my life.
If so, why should I cook for him? why would I want to invite him to my house?
It might sound like I am making a big fuss out of what might have possibly been
a harmless banter. However, I am annoyed by such responses because of my latest
realization at some people's weird tendency to consider themselves a "gift"
or a "blessing."
In the Chinese language, we have many expressions to show respect to others,
such as 敝人，拙荆，蓬荜生辉，etc. In English there are many polite terms involving
the words humble, grace, honor, and so forth. It appears that each society has
its vocal way of making others feel welcome and respected. Some might call them
"cultural redtapes" or "excessive burdens", but I am willing to see them as
subtles ways to keep the distance. By saying "we are humbled by your presence",
the speakers show that you are welcome. But what they also imply is that "you are
not a part of our family, so do not come often." Otherwise, they would have said
something like, "you are family, and you should never be so curtous with us, or
I will be angry and drive you out of house."
Unfortuantely, the rules are seriously bent in the gay community. If you take the
opening paragraph of this journal and change "stranger" into a random guy on Blued
or Aloha, you would immediately know what I mean. Every day, there are strangers
asking me what I do or where I am from. When they learnt that I like climbing the
mountains or playing tennis, weird proposals start to flying in my face, "Perhaps
you can take me with you some time." "Maybe you can teach me to learn English."
I have no problem with climbing mountains or playing tennis with my friends, I am
even okay with someone asking me to teach them English. Unfortunately, many people
have a way of saying so in a way that makes you feel like you owe them.
We always say "it doesn't matter what you say but how you say it." In this case,
assuming that the your presence would naturally be a plus is so off-putting that
it works only on an extremly cute guy. It sounds brutal, but it is the truth.
If you are cute, it doesn't matter what you suggest, because any proposal that
entails meeting you is welcome. To put it simply, everyone like to meet cute
eyecandies. It is who we are. If not, then you should probably weigh your options.
Based on my observation, many single gay guys are not as lonely as it seems.
They are strong and independent, perfectly capable of living a happy life alone,
which is why it is so ironic that some guys still assume that anyone else is
lonely and looks forward to meet him. They cannot carry on a decent converation
without assuming that they are the center of the universe.
The other day, I was talking to my friend about the kind of persons we would never
respond on dating APPs. It amazed us how many people, whether cute or monstrous,
still have no clue how to properly start a conversation. In fact, the rule is pretty
simple: talk to another person with the most basic understanding of human manners
and distance. If you have no idea what I mean, think about what you would do if you
meat someone, a straigt guy or girl, for the first time at work or in a party.
If you start a converstation by asking "do you live alone?" or "what kind of man
you like?", I doubt anyone would take you seriously.
Lately, I have been feeling a detachment to the community, mostly because I
realize not many people can or are willing to carry on a decent conversation.
To be fair, other circles are not any better. But when I see so many guys with
profile statements like "I am looking for a serious relationship", but keep
posting revealing photos involving legs, arms, or asses, and still cannot ask
questions beyond "where do you live" or "you are my type", I cannot help but
feel I might be better off alone. After all, living a life is like climbing a
mountain--The view is breathtaking, but the fatigue of the body also increases
if you are carrying another person. And if that person does not understand the
art of conversation to make the journey more enjoyable, he is just deadmeat,
better dropped on site.
The next time some guy hears that I love climbing mountains, I wish he could say,
"great! perhaps we can do it together next time when we are both free" instead of
"you can take me the next time". I admit that I may be a bit too fussy to fixate
on such minor details, but I believe what we say shows who are are. Without mutual
respect and indepence, 1+1 is always a sad 2 or less. See? it is merely the art of
conversation, but it can make a nuerotic guy like me feel so differently.
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