When I was child, there was one time when my mom jokingly asked whether I wanted to be a boy or a girl. I said girl, and my mom started teasing me for many many years to come.

Now that I think about it, I did sincerely want to be a girl back then. Unlike many boys who were either climbing trees or shooting stones, I was brought up by a large family of older sisters, aunties, and grandparents, all of whom adored me and dolled me up any chance they got. To be honest, I always suspect that any boy brought up by young girls probably has been subject to similar "abuse", which also explained my tendency to become a girl so as to fit in.

That was the earliest life choice I can recall, albeit completely hypothetical. Since then, there has been a string of choices that somehow get me here. Among the choices, silly or brave, some stand out for altering the path of my life. 

When I was applying for college, I applied for USTB because a cute guy I once loved decided to go there. Five years later, I quit graduate school during the final year because he left and I found myself resenting the major I was studying, thus beginning my years of job-changing that eventually got me here. Sometimes, I would ask myself whether I regret having made any of the decisions. Like any headstrong child, I firmly stand by all my choices which make me who I am.

What got me thinking about choices is today, when I had a four-hour interview at a prominent firm in my field. As a normad, I cannot be tied to a corporate desk and punch cards day in and day out. That's why I have been freelancing and doing part-time jobs. However, occasionally, the sense of insecurity fostered by schools and parents would overcome me, forcing me to think about a stable job, hence the interview today.

The money is sort-of good, and the working hours rather flexible. However, it will certainly be a far cry from my current lifestyle, which quite literally screems IDLENESS. Sometimes, I would work for two days and rest for two weeks. Sometimes, I would stop working altogether and start travelling. Money runs short from time to time, but I always managed to make do. Lu Xun once remarked, "time is like the water in a sponge. there is always more if you squeeze it harder." To me, the same situation applies to money as well. 

Unfortuantely, we are all slaves to money, more or less. I consider myself a minority in terms of attitude towards money, because I really don't care for it, but I still want to save some this year to help my brother start a business, which is why I agreed to this interview. The only consolement is that I am doing something I really enjoy, only not in a way I would want it to be.

So, now I am torn between the life I have and the life I could have. Ever since I decided to quite graduate school and throw away everything I had been working for, I never allowed anything to stand between me and the things I wanted to do. "I paid the price, so I deserve a fabulous life," I always told myself. That faith was the rock behind all my choices, so that they never have to be difficult for me. Unfortunately, when my brother or parents are involved, I start questioning whether I should make sacrifices. 

In China, we have a saying, "money can make the devil push the millstone." I always thought I was a lucky guy swimming in between, finding the loophole to live a carefree life without the worries of both the rich and the poor. Now, it is vexing to realize that I am standing on the same scale as anyone else. My friend thought whichever I choose is simply a matter of math: which one pays more, and which one is harder. However, for someone who never compromises in working for interests, I am reluctant to take that step.

I like Kung Fu novels, because the people there never seems to worry about money. They just learn some weird skills and become invincible all over the world. If choices make us who were are, then do I choose to live my fabulously carefree life or do I forsake freedom for my loved ones? I guess there is no grey area in this case. Then, like the books never finished, this choice can be put on hold for at least one day. Perhaps if I leave it here, I can pretend I don't have to make the choice.

I'd like to quote Scarlett in Gone with the Wind, "tomorrow is another day."