Let me make it clear
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已有 475 次阅读  2015-04-10 19:37   标签club  gay  lost 


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Dear Fransitian,

Let me make it clear: I love you but I cannot be with you.

I thought I was straight until I met you in the club. You should have forget that day your plain dressing, your hesitance and your bad dancing. I would say your kiss skill needs to be improved. But you got me.

The blue light made me lost and I was touching dancer A and dancer B unintentionally. I noticed you at the same time you moved to me. You wore glasses and the short hair seemed stand on your head. Your smiled and made a eye contact. You were right when you lately told me that I was trying to escape from you. But you were wrong in another perspective: I sensed the risk I would run. You invited me two drinks, I have to say you have a bad taste speaking of beer. OK, it is true that you are good at telling the differences between wines, but in that place who would give a shit to a wine? You are that type of wine tempting me. I guessed you were shy when you tried to ask me out or go to the darkrooms. I said:"What? It's so loud that I did get what you said!"You got up your courage and said:"Would you spend tonight like this?"I knew what you meant but I asked:"What else then?"

I saw you were somehow blocked and after a long beer you said:"why don't we go to your apartment and have some fun?"You know what was running in my head that time? I thought nothing. Outside it was raining and cold. I had put up my umbrella and you took me under yours. You turned to a movie poster and said:"watched that movie or not?" That was Free Fall. I said no. In fact, it took a while to realize what you were trying to tell me.

My apartment was in a very high building and the whole city would be under your nose. It was silent and quiet. You took off your shirt and trousers, your tip-headed shoes, your black socks, your glasses and your watch.  I went to take a bath. I need to calm down. But you broke in and bathed with me without saying anything.

That was a nice night. I confirmed it in our emails. Your were worrying about that I would fall in love with you and I was worrying about that I would see you any more. You said you just tried to make me confirm something, or admit something. You said you would free me from the cage, free me from my experiences.

What happened then? I became philosopher. What happened to you? You quit the job and moved. The next time we met was when you prepared a cake and invited me to your pub. Yes, your pub. You run a small pub with some of your friends. We lied on the coach and you said:"Look at them! They are gonna have fun."You looked into my eyes. I denied. I left with your cake. I had long been trying to tell you that you are such a good baker.

You had your boyfriend. I had my philosophy.

When you are free and I am quiet, I would do something for you. You took me into the world. I appreciated that. But now? No.

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