Since leaving The Sculpture in Time ( a cozy and artistic café) next to the Nanking University last night, I felt empty and exhausted. Even when waking up this morning, the exhaustion and heart-wrenched feeling stayed, like a strong hang-over.

Back to the last night, It was steamy, smoggy, and suffocating, and the air smelled dusty and toxic. The tiny pedestrian street around the university was filled with noises of students and the smoke from different restaurants. Walking around the street while exposing myself to strangers, smokes, loud noises, street lamps, fruit vendors, I suddenly felt desperately lonely, and vulnerable, just like a nude baby craving for care, attention, body warmth and recognition. Strangers passed me by, and disappeared. The twilight was replaced by the dark, windy night. Nothing stayed.

I should not experience such sentimental feelings; after all, I chose The Sculpture in Time to date someone, a handsome, and gentle university teacher. Both of us are decently educated, in our early 30s, and most importantly, seem to connect well since our first date On that date, we picked up a small and quiet corner bookstore( we both love reading books), and he was genuinely interested in my personality, caring about my health issues without any judgment. Just like me, He has been a world traveler for some time, and had just attended a Conference held at Michigan State University a few days before.

The café is homey with stocks and stocks of 80s and 90s books as decoration. All tables, chairs, bar stools, and even windows are intentionally chosen and placed in 80s’ style. The long ceiling-to-floor window frames are painted in “old white” color. When stepping on the wooden floor, I could hear the “ tap, tap ” sound- a sign of nostalgia. The university teacher was walking behind me, vibrating some energy of excitement. I just felt nothing.

Once we sat down at a worn-out table next to a window, a surge of nausea came unexpectedly. What’s wrong with me? I should be rejoice. After all, I was the one to set up this second date. Sitting in front of me, Mattie was tall, muscular, well-mannered, and a bit shy with a blue polo shirt, and a Citizen wrist watch. His face was partially shadowed by the gloomy and dim rainbow light of our Tiffney-styled mosaic table lamp. He looked straight into my eyes, and I could tell he was expecting me to say those few words, “be my boyfriend, and take care of me.” Instead, I squeezed a smile, and placed my order – a cup of bitter Americano without any sugar and cream.

“Mattie, you know, I just… you are so smart and handsome… I feel so honored to be your close friend, and my shoulder would be there if you get into any trouble.”

Mattie’s face slightly twitched, and his beautiful dark brown eyes dimmed instantly. He bit his lips hard, and finally squeezed two words. “ it’s ok.” Now, his face completely sunk showering with plainness and indifference.

“ I am terribly sorry.”  This sentence pounded over and over inside of my heart.

We left the café in about 30 minutes. Outside of the dark green pine wood front gate, it started to drizzle. Mattie’s face lit up a little bit in the rain. With some intensity, he asked, “ can’t we just try?” “ I won’t be your burden! I promise!”

Those few words, “ can’t we just try,” suddenly triggered a strong wave of deep sadness inside of me, and took me back to 15^th of march this year, the day that I met you, V.