During the noon, trying to share some of my insight of spiritualty with parents. As usual, I failed again.

Communicating With my parents, I deeply know, no matter how much I tried and trying and will try, I would fail tragically . 

Me and my parents don’t come from the same universe, and the best  thing I can achieve is to be quiet at home, and occasionally, report to my father about my financial achievements – how much I can make, I am making, and how much liked I was and being in my company.

This is the only thing that he cares – how successful I am, and nothing else. 

I was feeling so hurt every time being silenced by my parents in the past. 

I went to the lake as always. 

The lake’s color changed from time to time: deep green mixed with blue at the beginning; when the sun started to sink, some orange color with different shades were added. 

I was humming “I am the universe,” “ I am conscious,” and “all is well” as if I didn’t do so, I would be brutally eaten up by the enormous and endless “ black hole” of the loneliness, pain and self-consciousness. 

Ever-since my atrophy, I have always been experiencing large waves of hollowness, emptiness, loneliness, separateness, bitterness, darkness and coldness as if a huge dormant void located somewhere deep inside of my heart, and appear and disappear from time to time, craving for my energy. No matter how much I tried to fill the void, it can never be satisfied. 

“more, I want and need more!” it screamed!!

Sometimes, I feel like a “pressure cooker!” and there is so much rage, anger, burdens and pain inside that I must be so so so careful to control that they wouldn’t escape from me, and scare other people.

Sometimes, these evils scream for liberation inside, and begged to burn, hurt and kill! 

Outside, my boss, students and friends see me as someone tender, gentle and warm. 

What a joke. 

I know too well that deep inside,who I am!

An icy cold meteor that once fell out from its track, and dropped into this cold, cold world.

it shattered, and broke into a million little tragic pieces.

Being like a chameleon, I keep changing my colors to fit into various time and space and circumstances.

To please;

To adjust;

To hide; 

Hopefully to eventually find who I am.