三种羞耻感Three distinct shames (By James E. McGreevey)
热4已有 765 次阅读 2015-07-27 22:23
(选自美国前新泽西州长著作 The confession 一书，把英文也带上，欢迎指正翻译不足之处)
图书封面
奥普拉秀
【读这本书的想法，源自一部“outrage”（被损害的愤怒）的纪录片，其中 James E. McGreevey，这位美国前新泽西州长让我印象很深，在妻子的陪同下，他于2004年8月12日召开发布会出柜，坦言“我的一生都在与我真实的自己挣扎。孩提时，我就经常矛盾，关于我自己，事实上，我很疑惑”。一个人要“真切地审视自己的灵魂，然后选择唯一存在的真相，我的真相是，我是一个美国同志。”
他在纪录片访谈中提到，在拉丁语言学校的时候，“我就开始发现，我和其他人非常的不同，你要自己去发现你是同志，我去公共图书馆，去查找什么是同性恋，它的源头在哪，它是如何被描述的，所有的内容都令人发指，都是灾难性的，那就像一个诅咒一样，我接受了这一切视同志为耻辱、为仇恨的无知信息。但我意识到同志是人的天性，是你真实的自己，于是你否定你的本性，于是当你的本性释放时，只能是在黑暗的角落里，你开始相信你的本性是可耻的，因为你的行为。拿我来说，我把本性释放在可耻的行为上，你知道我在哪做爱吗？在后巷，在废弃的犹太教堂，在高速路休息区，而我的直男朋友，他们在酒吧和派对上勾搭女孩儿，我却没有这样的机会，没有这样光明正大、健康的、安全的、人人接受的方式，因此我这样秘密的柜中的行为，我认为是对心理不健康的，对我作为一个人是不健康的，对我的灵魂是不健康的。”
（注：这段文字来自纪录片中James的讲述，QAF中文站翻译）】
In the months of introspection and counseling I've had since leaving the public sphere, I've learned that all my life I have suffered three distinct shames.The first is something that the psychotherapist Pia Mellody calls "carried shame", an inherited burden from which everyone suffers in one form or another—like the concept of original sin, I suppose. In my case,what I was carring was the burden of society's and the Church's disapprobation of my core self. Gay people are especially susceptible to this,Mellody says, but it's extremely common among people in general."You are less than,"she explained to me."You grow up convinced you are not worth anything because of this core truth about yourself."
退出公众视野后，我进行了几个月的自省和心理咨询，认识到自己生命里承受了三种确切的耻辱。第一种，心理专家派·麦乐迪称之为“生来带有的羞耻”，每个人都在这样那样地承受着通过遗传而来的心理重担，我想有点像是原罪的概念。就我而言，真实的自己不被社会和基督教认可，这是我背负的重担。麦乐迪说，同性恋特别容易遭受这种痛苦，但通常而言，类似的羞耻感在人群中非常普遍。她跟我解释说，“你还远远不够”。“由于这个涉及到自身的关键真相，你长大后觉得自己一文不值”。
Carried shame is a bad thing in itself, but Mellody believes that in some people it can create an acute childhood trauma. The symptoms of this are many, including emotional immaturity, an inability to achieve intimacy, a dogged feeling of unworthiness , and a spiritual freefall—descriptions of my like to a tee.
携带的羞耻感本身就不好，麦乐迪认为在一些人身上它可能会造成严重的童年创伤，其症状表现为很多种，包括情感上的不成熟，无力营造亲密关系（爱无能），持续的无价值感，精神低落——完全是在描述我。
My second shame concerned inauthenticity—a term that describes what happens when you're dishonest about who you really are. In theory or practice ,nobody was more duplicitous than I. Through most of my adult life there was not one person who knew who I really was, and the longer I went without amending that dishonesty, the more ashamed I felt.
我的第二种羞耻感与“不真实”有关，这个词描述了当你对做真实的自己不诚实时会发生的事。按理说，或实际上，没有人比我更不诚实。我的成年生活里，没有一个人了解真正的我，不对这种不诚实做任何修正，我过得越久，就越感到羞耻。
A third shame, for me, concerned my behavior. From the time in high school when I made up my mind to behave in public as though I were straight, I nonetheless carried on sexually with men.Scores of men.
第三种羞耻涉及到我的行为。从高中开始，我便下定决心在公众面前表现得自己像是直的，尽管如此，我还是和男人发生性关系，许多男人。
After Brian Fitzgerald at the YMCA pool, the rest were exclusively furtive encounters, mostly in seedy bookstores or public parks. Admitting this now provokes that shame all over again, but I know that I must disclose it as part of my healing journey—to free my self from the compulsion that caused me to behave that way in the first place. I was promiscuous and sexually active in ways I consider immoral and ugly. And I justified this by telling myself that I had no other choice, that my sexual urges were irrepressible,but as long as I remained in the closet I couldn't enjoy an honest and beautiful love with a man—the kind of love that goes on vacations, outfits a home together, sits side by side in church; the kind of love that can lead to a broken heart, like the one that killed my grandfather. I craved love, but sex was all that was available to me.
在基督教青年会的泳池里与Brian Fitzgerald那次之后，其余的只是些偷偷摸摸的经历，大多数发生在乌七八糟的书店或公园。现在承认这些再次让我感到羞耻，但是我知道我必须公开这些，作为治愈之旅的一部分，从最初造成我那样表现的冲动中得到解脱。我与多人发生性关系，并在我觉得不道德的、丑陋的情形下性欲旺盛。我告诉自己我别无所择、性冲动难以克制来证明这些行为有理，但只要我仍在柜中，我就不能和另一个男人有一份诚实美丽的爱情，那种可以一起去度假，一起装修房屋，一起并肩坐在在教堂里的爱情，那种能够让一个人觉得心碎的爱情，就像夺走爷爷生命的那种病。我渴望爱情，但是能得到的只有性。
I should add that I was plagued by this third shame even when I wasn't having sex, because in my heart I wanted it so badly I might as well have been guilty.When I first left home for Catholic University, for example, I attached myself to an upperclassman I'll call Liam as zealously as I'd befriended Sean Hughes in high school. Like Sean, Liam was handsome, rugged, Irish American, and straight—with a gorgeous girlfriend to boot. The fact he had a girlfriend made a difference; otherwise, I don't think I could have expressed my affection for him as openly as i did. Not that I ever said a word about it, of course. Instead I merely followed him everywhere. In my wallet I secretly carried a picture of him, broad and angular in a cable-knit sweater. I found excuses to study in his room, in the same dorm as mine. And one early spring evening I pretended to fall asleep on his bed. Shrugging, he tucked in next to me, and we lay side by side through the night, like brothers. My arm fell over his shoulder.
我该补充说，甚至事情没有发生，我都饱受第三种羞耻感的折磨，因为我内心对性的渴望，同样使我感到羞愧。比如说，我离开家去天主教大学上学时，我热情地缠着一个高年级生，在这里称他为Liam.就像高中时对我的朋友Sean Huges那样。和Sean一样，Liam很英俊，粗犷，爱尔兰裔美国人，直男，另外还有个漂亮的女朋友。他有女朋友这个事实起了作用，不然，我觉得我不会那么公开地表示对他的好感。当然了，并不是说我曾经对他表白过,而是他在哪我都跟着。在我的钱包里，我偷偷地带着一张他的照片,穿着麻花毛衣的他，体宽，削瘦。我们在同一栋宿舍时，我找借口去他的屋子里学习。有一个早春的夜晚，我假装在他的床上睡着了。耸了耸肩，他撩起被子睡在我旁边，整晚我们像兄弟一样挨着睡觉，我把胳膊搭在他肩膀上。
（这几段James讲述他内心感受到的耻辱，其实，一个秘密的柜中人，确实有许多行为是对心理不健康的，一个同志要学会辨识这种耻辱，努力通过心理治疗改变自己。）
今天先更到这儿，有空把剩下的几段翻完~
Good night,and good luck!
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