There is always a moment when it dawns on you that you feel the urge to reexamine your life as if you rechecked a newly-bought piece of clothing to evaluate whether it was a worthwhile purchase. This is typical of human nature--- to justify the existence and seek the meaning of life.  So far , life is to me a disillusion. From the start when I was born into the environment , I was loaded with the cultural stereotypes and values and had to maneuver within the linguistic barrier circumscribing my thoughts. I felt I was given a scenario ,according to which I had to unfold each page of the drama. All I could do is to climb to the summit of the hill and imagine what lay beyond. Sometimes I felt I was a mismatch to the culture in the way you are discontented with the role the culture assigns you, like you are destined to be chosen as a shoe but you do not want to be a shoe but ,say , a glove.  Perhaps the best solution is to escape , to flee from where you were born.  In migrating we may find meanings but in fact by moving we forget the burden of the task of seeking the meaning. All the past experience has only taught us that what the society endows us with is just ideology , the false consciousness , with which we define our identity and without which we feel empty .  To bid farewell to the cultural roots always leads to hysteria. Now here I am, a rootless flowing reed in waiting for a tuneless song. We have fallen victim to the interest of the privileged and we feel frustrated in failing to make a difference in an apocalyptical world. To enter a world which entails suffering makes us despair of another attempt to reenter. If the Karma did exist, we would taste the genuine hell even without its visual sanguinary horror. If life were just once, what we are worrying about is merely asking for trouble. By instinct we are free animals , but by culture we are mentally sick and prepared as a sacrifice to perpetuate the civilization.

I cherish the hope that I can proceed  until a serene death but get constantly and spontaneously unnerved by a sudden disruption of life totally blotting out my fragile life.  This is the morbidity of life , We are harassed by the irrational fear ,trying to defend something which is not meant to be eternal.