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Dec 26
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热7已有 528 次阅读  2013-12-27 08:30


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The last day in New York, I should not have expected anything, without anyone, I can live happily. I arrived Empire State Building after more than 2 hours waiting in the line, I saw the whole city, but I cannot find someone who belongs to me. Maybe it is meant for me to travel around world alone, just like passing by one and another and go back to single. 

How cold is this winter? It is not colder than the last winter when I was in Dalian, after which I went through, I thought I have passed the toughest time in my life. Nothing sorrowful I can remember, nor anything happy, the only thing left is emptiness. 

To those pedestrian in my life, what do I need to do? To appreciate you? To love and hate? I don't know. It's been for a long time that I haven't drunk any alcohol so that I feel uncomfortable about the little Vodka in the lemonade, it is so thin but I felt it and got rid of it. All of the sudden, the headphone plays the Fantastic Baby, staying in the Korean web bar is so different from the Chinese one.

I should make clear of what I should do, recalling is not helpful at all, instead I am supposed to calm down and rethink my own value and my schoolwork. With regard to love affairs, just let it go.
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  • fyscu 2013-12-27 14:44
    i had the same experience that i was vunlerable to obvious loneliness in an absolute strange American city without any friends and families at my hands.helpless, even desperated, i was like a refugee but fianally a millionaire in spirit with the encouragement from the domestic friends. so plz contact ur families and best friends as frequently as u can, cause they're the source of happiness. well, at last wish u happy now and in the future.__ from who-u-unknown
  • 忆夏猫 2013-12-27 15:11
    越想着寂寞就越寂寞 走出自己的心结 多认识一些朋友吧
  • ivorycxy 2013-12-27 16:45
    fyscu: i had the same experience that i was vunlerable to obvious loneliness in an absolute strange American city without any friends and families at my han
    The more I grow up, the more I prefer to avoid my family even if I miss them. I feel guilt in them because of my sexual orientation. Especially when my mom mention my wedding or wife purposively, in my real life I am clear that there would not that day in the future, but it is not the proper time to come out to them. I still need to keep in closet and study hard to make me safe enough in the future economically to guarantee my basic life cuz I am conscious that it is possible that they might cut off all the financial aid even the relationship with me when they know my identity. The more I am afraid, the more I would not like to face them. That is partied the reason I didn't choose to come back to China in this winter term.
  • ivorycxy 2013-12-27 16:50
    忆夏猫: 越想着寂寞就越寂寞 走出自己的心结 多认识一些朋友吧
    It is not a mindful problem, it might be owe to my personality or the degree of my psychological maturation.
  • 尉迟方田 2013-12-27 17:18
    ivorycxy: The more I grow up, the more I prefer to avoid my family even if I miss them. I feel guilt in them because of my sexual orientation. Especially when
    You are right, coming out should happen only when you are ready, but it doesn't mean you can't reconnect with your loved ones, make a move when you think you can talk to them like FRIENDS.
  • ivorycxy 2013-12-27 17:26
    尉迟方田: You are right, coming out should happen only when you are ready, but it doesn't mean you can't reconnect with your loved ones, make a move when you t
    The most basic prerequisite for coming out is financial independence, but I have not achieved that. Furthermore, I can't imagine what's happening when I say it to my parents, I prefer to keep this situation as long as possible. Sometimes, I suppose that if it is possible not to tell them forever.
  • fyscu 2013-12-27 17:31
    ivorycxy: The more I grow up, the more I prefer to avoid my family even if I miss them. I feel guilt in them because of my sexual orientation. Especially when
    i am in ur shoes. i may not be so lucky as u can have a chance to study abroad, but we r probably in the same situation that we cannot come out cause we r not strong enough to shoulder extreme pressure from parents, more exactly, to assure them that we can have a promising future if we live with men. then getting rid of parents and endless wedding topics, seems to be the solution we have to choose. i am sorry to my parents about my sexual orientation, and as u said the older i am, the more guilt i feel.
  • ivorycxy 2013-12-27 17:40
    fyscu: i am in ur shoes. i may not be so lucky as u can have a chance to study abroad, but we r probably in the same situation that we cannot come out caus
    But what I am doing is nothing but avoiding. Put more energy on our study or work, as for love affairs, I am increasingly hopeless.
  • fyscu 2013-12-27 18:38
    ivorycxy: But what I am doing is nothing but avoiding. Put more energy on our study or work, as for love affairs, I am increasingly hopeless.
    yes, to devote to ur study, to be more outstanding, then the right person will show up. actually i had only one relationship in my college life, but which turned out to be young die. with the hurt of cheating and the despair of gay interaction, i have never thought about another relationship since we broke up.
  • 尉迟方田 2013-12-27 23:16
    ivorycxy: The most basic prerequisite for coming out is financial independence, but I have not achieved that. Furthermore, I can't imagine what's happening whe
    Financial independence consideration is for the worst result, you still have plenty of time working on the relationship with your folks, everything you say now was pure assumption on your part.
  • ivorycxy 2013-12-28 00:01
    尉迟方田: Financial independence consideration is for the worst result, you still have plenty of time working on the relationship with your folks, everything y
    Only if I can accept the worst result, will I consider to tell them. Most of time, I reckon the result of telling them is to break up the relationship and the least communication, namely I should live independently. Otherwise, what can I do to work on the relationship?
  • 尉迟方田 2013-12-28 00:52
    ivorycxy: Only if I can accept the worst result, will I consider to tell them. Most of time, I reckon the result of telling them is to break up the relationshi
    你在给自己设陷，然后一步步往里跳。兄弟我只能说祝你好运了。
  • 威灵仙 2014-05-09 19:49
    ivorycxy: But what I am doing is nothing but avoiding. Put more energy on our study or work, as for love affairs, I am increasingly hopeless.
    你怎么对于爱情绝望？
  • ivorycxy 2014-05-09 19:52
    威灵仙: 你怎么对于爱情绝望？
    一切随便写的，忘记了




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